What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast

My name is John, I’m 40 years old, husband and father of two, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster, and I have multiple sclerosis. I made this podcast to share what I’m going through.

Episodes:

garden

Welcome to Episode 4 of the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast

In this episode, I continue to think about how to ask for help with the shower safety changes that I need, do some physical therapy, and finally pick up the phone and ask for help.

Recap Ep. 3

Recap – last episode was about asking for help. It was hard to record because I didn’t know that’s what I needed to do before I began recording.  I figured out while I was on talking about it that so many of my great friends and family would be happy to help, and that all I had to do was ask.

7 habits

A listener, my only listener at that point, wrote in to say that accepting help builds bonds.  It’s one of the Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People.  That’s a famous book that I avoided because my Mom owned it.  I’m grown up enough to admit that it’s probably got a lot tof good information.

Never quit

I can’t quit, even if I make bad episodes.  Last episode, I said “Dude,” revealing that I am a Californian from the 80s.  It’s OK with me to let you know that.  “Woe is me,” I meant.

Therapy is hard

They ask you to do the things that are hard for you.  I’m putting off using it by working on the podcast.

Phone call

A good resolution to the last episode was that I called my stepfather to talk about what I needed in the shower, and that was enough to get things moving in the right direction.

Parking Lot

Welcome to the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast Episode 3: Asking for Help

Recap – last episode we talked about being in control of my emotions.

Episode 3 revolves around asking for help to install shower handles so I can get in and out of the shower.

The are a lot of complicated feelings that go with that.  I need help, but I don’t want to ask, and I especially don’t want to ask my Mom for help.

Transcript

JOHN HOPPIN: Back to Business, episode three. Last episode, we talked about stuff in the garden. I got a new kneeling bench. I told the story about falling. I talked about inability to control my emotions. On the weekend, and an update on that; I had some success by meditating, setting the meditation right off. That was my therapist’s idea. He was like, “Meditate.” I did it, and it helped. It helped me deal with the challenges I faced throughout the day, really.

More challenges is: mom. I don’t know how your mom is; my mom is my mom. I’m trying to install handles in the upstairs bathroom. She has a house in Santa Rosa, and I’m trying to install handles in the upstairs bathroom, and a kind of leverage bar that will help me get in and out of the shower, in Santa Rosa, and it’s kind of hard dealing with my mom; trying to ask for something and not wanting to be a pain, but needed some help and then having conflicting feelings about that, really. How do I feel? I got to ask my mom, “I need to install this stuff,” and I can’t even install it. Because I can’t work a drill. So instead of just installing my own handles, I have to ask my mom, really, to ask my stepfather, my child’s grandfather to install handles. The bar thing, luckily, is a suction thing. It works with tension. Tension, they call it. Not suction. It’s probably easier.

So I have to ask my mom, “Mom, can you ask,” my stepfather, “To install these handles.” Anyway, asking your mom for help to install accessibility stuff, really, it’s asking my stepfather to do it; it’s kind of humiliating, dude. I just want to do it myself. All I have to do is put two small handles, and I can’t work the screwdriver. Sucks.

But anyway, shout out to my stepfather, Dave, who probably is going to end up doing that, and will do that for me. He’s got my back. So that is something to be so thankful for. You know what I mean? He’ll do it. I need it. He’ll help me out. Or, I’ll have to ask one of my friends to do it, which would probably be better than my stepfather, but I’m embarrassed to do that. I’m embarrassed to ask my friends, and tell them, “Hey, I can’t work a screwdriver.” Because I could probably ask one of my friends and another. I could probably ask any of them to do it, but I’m to embarrassed.

Man, thinking about … I was trying to think about like, “Who could I ask to do it?” And then I realized I could ask almost any dude I know to give me a hand, and they would. Shoutouts to my bros. That is a good feeling, I guess.

So I have my radio show tomorrow. This guy, Ashwin Batish, is a sitar boogie guy. Google Ashwin Batish Bombay Boogie, and there’s a radio Montreal, french radio interviewer, and he plays live, and it’s rad. It’s in 1987 in Montreal, I think. Check it out. I ordered a thing called a … But he’s not playing on my show. Oh, sad. That’s a sad turnaround on that. Ashwin Batish ends up not playing on my show, it got canceled yesterday because of a family emergency he has. So god bless, I wish him well.

I ordered a TheraBand FlexBar. It’s a yellow spongy thing. And people use it for tennis elbow rehab. It helps you flex your arm and your hand in certain ways, and grip and turn. And it also massage. So my occupational therapist, Julie, who I kept calling Dr. Julie, I think, in the last couple of episodes, and she is not a doctor. And we always laugh about that, so I’m taking her down a peg right here on the air. Occupational therapist, Julie, not a doctor.

Although we discussed that maybe, I think she would be a great doctor. I ordered a rack for my coffee roaster, and also for my kids’ shoes and Naomi’s shoes and stuff, because they need more room. I wear the same shoes, because I have a brace I wear almost every day. Sometimes I change them out. I’m going to go to my friend’s wedding in July, and I’m going to wear actual shoes. Not dress shoes. They’re not formal shoes, because it’s a country wedding and I’m wearing a straw hat.

But anyhow, I bet I will look fly. I bet everyone will. I bet, especially, my friends who are getting married. They’re fly types.

Episode three in the books.

Bsmboo

Welcome to the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast Episode 2.

In this episode, I struggle to control my emotions due to damage in my brain stem.

What’s The Matter With Me? is a podcast about multiple sclerosios, and many other things.

Recap – should I be on disability?  My philosophy.

I said I can’t – in violation of my philosophy, which is that I generally can do things.  I can work.  This podcast is about trying, and I’m not afraid to try and succeed and achieve.  I believe that I can achieve regardless of the difficulty.

I have a lot of brain stem disease activity, and it can make staying in control of my emotions difficult. I’ve been having difficulty with my morning routine on the weekends when my family are around. I have been meditating first thing in the morning, with some success.  It provides some perspective that helps me get through the day.

Transcript

JOHN HOPPIN: What’s The Matter With Me? Episode two. All right, all right, let’s get down to it. It’s What’s The Matter With Me? Episode two. I’m John, and I have MS. I made this podcast to share what I’m going through. Let’s recap the last episode, episode one. I sent it to like two people on email, and probably maybe they listened to it. Sometime you got to start small. So, what’d we talk about last time? I have a hot sauce business. We talked about that, my dream of employing disabled people, people who’ve been in the prison system, and veterans.

We talked about going on disability. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go on disability or not. Spoiler, I talked to my doctor. She said, “You should definitely be on disability. You could still make money and work while you’re on Medicaid.” And after that, I was kind of sold. Then we talked about my philosophy about trying to do things, and that’s what this podcast is about, so I think it’ll be obvious.

Part of it, listening back, something stood out. I said that I can’t, I used the word can’t. And even worse, I said I can’t work, which is so ridiculous. I have a company. I am on the radio on KFJC every Thursday, 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. And I do a couple of other things while I’m at it, and I’m a dad for two people. I can work. And whether or not I can work, I’m going to try and work. That’s my philosophy.

So let’s talk about working in the garden. I have a garden in the backyard, California native plants. I spend a lot of time back there. I have trouble sometimes. I’ve fallen in the garden and hurt myself. One time I fell into the side of the house, and I skinned my head, and I lost a bunch of hair. I mean, it was terrible. I’d basically head-butted the side of the house, man, and the house won. So that was tough.

Well, I’ve been working a lot, doing physical therapy and balance exercises, so I don’t fall in the garden, and I always wear my brace. I have an ankle-foot orthotic brace that supports my ankle, helps me walk. My physical therapist said, “You always have to have that.” And even I have a stick, like a cane, I use for balance, got to have that. I’ve started using that always when I go in the garden, and it’s reduced… I was falling every day, and it’s reduced my falls quite a lot.

Just today, I ordered some accessibility tools, we’ll see how it works. It’s kind of like a seat-stander-kneeler thing, which will help because I have to sometimes work on plants for a long time, and I need to sit near them. Maybe they’ll help. That’s cool to invest in the accessibility tools. Today I was trimming the rosebushes, and my hand comes into a fist like a claw, and it’s hard to get a glove on. I have to really work hard, but I did it. And I trimmed my roses, and I’m happy to say my rosebushes, which my grandmother planted at this house are alive and well, so maybe Grandmother and Grandpa, Grandma and Grandpa, shout-outs.

I’ve had inability to control my emotions. I have a lot of lesions, brain lesions, in my brainstem. And my doctor said, “Sometimes you’ll have the inability to control your emotions. It’ll feel bad.” And I didn’t know what he was talking about, but I’ve started to have that. I really have a hard time on the weekends because things are different. During Monday through Friday, I get up by myself. I have a routine. And in doing that routine, I kind of get a diagnostic sense of how well I feel, and how much I can do that day. But when I can’t do it, when my wife and my kids are up making breakfast when I get up, I got to take a shower. I have a routine, and it gets me ready, so when I’m out of it, it’s causing me a lot of confusion.

The routine helps me know, “Okay, here’s where I am.” I get my breakfast going. And I have a lot of confusion, which makes me upset because I don’t know what’s going on because there’s not really… My routine’s not happening. Instead, I’m reacting, and that’s difficult for me. I’m trying to manage that because I’m totally getting bent out of shape, going nuts, and becoming really aggressive because I’m just super confused. So that’s a challenge. Every weekend day we work on it, in the morning. And it hasn’t been going well, frankly, it just sucks.

And so I’m working on it, trying to control my emotions. I need a little support and understanding, probably a lot from my family, to let me do things like make coffee and things that allow me to see how well I’m feeling, with my motor skills, but also allow me to say, “Okay, I made coffee.” And I can go sit and have coffee that I made. So it’s little things, like I go sit and have coffee and my breakfast on Monday through Friday. On the weekends, the breakfast’s still going. It’s been throwing me off, and it’s been making me really upset. And I hope that just talking about it here, and saying, “I intend to be better,” will help me get better.

So, that’s What’s The Matter With Me? Episode two. Tune in next week, probably I’ll email it to two people again, and no one will hear it, but it doesn’t matter. What’s The Matter With Me? Episode number two, in the books.