Putting Myself Out There

Talking about putting myself out there. I realized I always put myself out there. I mean, you’re listening to it… Goes along with one of my biggest fears… losing the ability to express myself.

I was on the radio yesterday morning and it got me thinkin’. I’ve always put myself out there- ever since I was a teenager and probably before that. Just to have something to belong to. We go over a timeline of examples.

I’m getting more disabled and things are getting harder for me. My biggest fear is becoming voiceless and invisible.

Putting Myself Out There

JOHN HOPPIN: Hello and welcome. Thank you for tuning into the what’s the matter with me podcast. My name is John, I’m Forty two years old, husband, father, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster and I made the this podcast because I have multiple sclerosis, and I wanted to share what I’m going through, and investigate feelings that go along with becoming disabled.
I was on the radio yesterday. Six to ten AM, the morning show at kfjc. A lot of live DJs are in there. It’s the first time in fifteen months that I’ve been back in there. And I really wanted to go back in there so it was a big success for me today.
Talking about putting myself out there. I realized I always put myself out there. I mean, you’re listening to it. I was an only child. Raised by a single mom and always wanted to be part of something, so I was always making up new stuff to be a part of that. Goes along with one of my biggest fears, probably my biggest fear about disability, about my own disability and my fear of other people who are disabled. And it revolves around losing the ability to express myself or when I see a disabled person who I perceive as not being able to express themselves, it’s disturbing to me. The reality is as I become more disabled. I’m being more challenged to express myself. It’s harder to talk- the cognitive thing, but it’s also harder to get places. It’s harder to drive now, harder to move around so either you have to go places sometimes site the radio station or do things. That’s all generally harder when you get disabled. Now I’m putting the caveat here and I think it’s, it should be recognized like I said right off the top “forty two years old” so maybe I’m just getting older and certainly I am just getting older and some part of it is related to that.
I’m always putting myself out there. Because I’m scared of not being able to. I was on the radio yesterday morning. I had to wake up ato two AM. No, I had to wake up up four AM, but I actually woke up at two am. Because I was like, “Oh I gotta wake up at four.” You ever do that? So like at two, I’m up worrying about four am.
I always put myself out there. I think I did it all the time as a kid. But what I would I remember starts in high school, right? My first year of high school is 1993 and I joined the Highlander Poetry club. Highlander magazine at my high school published poetry that students sent in. I got into it and I started bringing things and they published them.
The next year, 1994, was the first time I was on the radio. The radio I joined was KSCU Santa Clara, and got on the radio. And I just did it yesterday. So with 1994 and 2021. It’s been a while, not thirty years. For a while, then. So I was fifteen when I started that.
Two years later, I’m at high school. I’m involved in high school, you put yourself out there. You’re high school, you’re out there, whether you want to be or not. I started something in my high school called the funbunny festival and I was in a band called kilmore trout. We played indie rock music. I was the bass player. I played upright bass. 1996 was funbunny festival, I was seventeen years old.
There was music, poetry, and happenings, and I organized that. I figured out that this school with the theatre, which was called benson theater at that time, I figured out that when there wasn’t a show, nothing happened there. So then, I realized “oh, they would give me like a Friday night.” All of our bands played, like my band and the other bands in school. We could all play and then we also do poetry, right? We could get those people from the Highlander Poetry Club. We had poetry readings. I was getting into happenings and performance art. We started doing all kinds of things in the festival. I graduated in ninety seven but it continued for several years afterwards. Which I found out recently.
Then I went to art school and art is putting yourself out there. You’re like here’s this useless thing I made, so look at it. You’re out there so I went eighteen. I started art school. Then during art school I started this thing It Can Change with my buddy Anthony. We made a thing we called interactive public projects and the there’s sculptures and performance but basically we would go out into the public and interact with people and give them this art. We goet people to make things, with distribute things. We’d perform them. It was while we were out there and it was about interacting with the public.
Then the the warehouse scene in Oakland. I was there I was twenty three in two thousand two and it was really just nightly diversions. Not really doing a lot. But I was out there and then it went from there to Bushwick and a New York City. I was out there but in a different way. I was in my twenties, I’m trying to make something of myself. I’m sure you’re familiar so New York City. I was out there.
And then I got MS. I had MS the whole time, but it worsened. I moved back to San Jose. 2012, and it was like, it was like I had crashed back in my hometown. But then I started doing it- putting myself out there again. So I joined KFJC, started going on the radio again. I started this podcast. I started Hoppin Hot Sauce. And those are all ways that I put myself out there and now I’m in San Leandro 2021, trying to get myself in order. I’m having this moment and realizing I always put myself out there.
I was an only child, with a single mom, always wanted to be part of something. One of my biggest fears about my disability is losing the ability to express myself- to become kind of silent and invisible and (meanwhile) I’m getting more disabled. It’s getting harder to get around driving. It’s harder and I have bigger challenges. I went to the radio yesterday morning and it was hard To do my shifts. I was like this was pretty hard. You know, you know, how I look at- the way I look at it is, I’m just going to train, continue putting myself out there. And maybe I’ll be part of something if I make a thing that is resilient enough to accommodate me. Last week was my wife’s birthday, and the holiday observed on Monday messed everything up. So that’s my excuse anyway. Maybe I’m just older.
Thanks for listening to the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast. Put yourself out there. We all need to just be out there. This pretty much reached the end. So thank you for listening. Thanks for tuning in to What’s The Matter With Me?, catch you next time.

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