Welcome to the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast, “grief and trauma”
My brain chemistry, the amygdala, stress, fight-or-flight part of my brain is throttling my hippocampus, which is the intelligent part of my brain. The fear and anxiety part of my brain is getting the upper hand because of all of these traumas that are happening right now. I’m recording this episode to try and get it out there to say it all and to hopefully move beyond some of this fear, trauma, and anxiety.
https://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/s3-e17-grief-and-trauma.jpg12001600Johnhttps://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/cropped-icons.pngJohn2019-11-10 00:54:462019-11-10 21:11:28Grief and Trauma
https://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/s3-e16-my-life-feels-totally-different-now.jpg12001600Johnhttps://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/cropped-icons.pngJohn2019-10-30 22:40:592019-10-31 19:38:22My Life Feels Totally Different Now
So they were like, “Something is weird. We got to put the EKG on him.” But I’m like a hairy individual, you know? So they got out the trimmers, they’re like, “What?” They’re just like, “What do we do?” … she says to me, she’s like, “Don’t worry. After we’re done, I’ll shave the rest.” I’m like, “Hell no you won’t shave the rest of my chest. Are you kidding?” I think of my chest hair a little bit like Samson, you know what I mean? Stay away from that. Come on, give me a break.
https://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/s3-e15-recovery.jpg12001600Johnhttps://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/cropped-icons.pngJohn2019-09-30 23:48:362019-10-02 00:36:49I'm recovering from microvascular decompression (MVD) surgery
Trigeminal neuralgia hurts like hell. I’m going to have micro vascular decompression surgery, get out of pain, get off these pain medications, and contribute to my family again.
I signed up to have surgery. They’re going to pop a hole in my skull and operate on my trigeminal nerve. It’s called micro vascular decompression surgery.
https://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/s3-e13-im-going-to-have-surgery.jpg12001600Johnhttps://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/cropped-icons.pngJohn2019-08-21 21:35:372019-08-22 22:31:47I'm going to have micro vascular decompression surgery (MVD)
Man!– I have trigeminal neuralgia, my face hurts. Ow! The kids had to go away, it hurt so bad I couldn’t handle it and I freaked out. I’ve been staring at plants in the garden. I grilled chicken for the whole family, had dinner and couldn’t eat it, because my face hurt. Tomorrow is Koko’s third birthday.
https://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/KOKOS-BDAY.jpg18021802Johnhttps://whatsthematterwithme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/cropped-icons.pngJohn2019-06-01 02:33:252019-07-02 00:12:10Happy Birthday Koko
Welcome to the What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast, Season 3, Episode 7: It’s My 40th Birthday
Coming up in this episode: pain and anxiety, brain damage, the beauty of nature. Hanging out in the backyard, it’s my 40th birthday. I’m thankful to be here processing my emotions and symptoms. Come hang out with me.
Welcome Whats The Matter With Me? Season 2, Episode 12: Antacids
My name is John, I’m 39 years old, husband and father of two, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster, and I have multiple sclerosis so I made this podcast to share what I’m going through.
Whats The Matter With Me? is an MS podcast and it’s also about other things. I’m not a medical professional and you should not take this for medical advice. If you need medical advice, ask your healthcare provider
Recap- last episode was all about trigeminal neuralgia support groups, grantwriting – writing an essay, KFJC
Shoutouts
Shoutouts to rocky, she’s emailing me stuff, email me and i’ll give you a shoutout
General Confusion
General confusion and the inability to think of anything much at all last week.
Giving up everything
I felt like giving up on Hoppin Hot Sauce. It was too hard and nobody wanted it anyway, I thought. I went on for some days like this and I think it may have happened the week before as well. I really felt like quitting and giving up everything. And what was so annoying was I couldn’t even have a thought about that, to evaluate it. There were no brain waves.
Action
I started to question my medication., because I was feeling so bad. Then on Thursday at the end of the day suddenly I snapped into action and begin to realize just how much I had to do. I had to pay some people and sell sauce and balance my books. I got a haircut and I’ll probably cook dinner for the family. I think it’s going to be vegetable pasta with tomatoes and grilled zucchini and roasted red bell peppers because we have all that around. And lots of Parmesan cheese.
Antacids
On the advice of my therapist, I started taking antacids with my afternoon pills, not an empty stomach, and I saw an improvement. I no longer question reality all afternoon.
AI Wakeup
What does my day look like? What does my dad look like? What does my d*** look like? Why doesn’t artificial intelligence know what I need to see first thing in the morning?
Antacids over AI
In short, antacids are getting it done, and artificial intelligence still leaves much to be desired.
Welcome Whats The Matter With Me? Season 2, Episode 11: Grantwriting
My name is John, I’m 39 years old, husband and father of two, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster, and I have multiple sclerosis so I made this podcast to share what I’m going through.
Whats The Matter With Me? is an MS podcast and it’s also about other things. I’m not a medical professional and you should not take this for medical advice. If you need medical advice, ask your healthcare provider.
Shoutouts
Shoutouts to Nat – happy birthday! Shoutouts to Patrick, thanks for the vacation tips, shoutouts to shannon – thanks for reaching out.
I interviewed free jazz legend peter brotzmann on the radio, I resigned from my radio show, I had a challenging vacation, im working on Hoppin hot sauce as usual
Trigeminal Neuralgia Haikus
Trigeminal neuralgia support group is pretty intense. People have a really hard time with the pain and it comes very hard and pretty much destroyed their life. Their status updates when they put how hard it is into a one-sentence post it is very Stark to read it.. like a haiku from hell
Grant application
I applied for a grant related to this podcast, to help me increase my internet savvy and learn Techniques to spread this message in a louder voice with greater reach. I don’t know about all that but I can tell you it was great to put together an application. I wrote some essays that really clarified why I am doing This. I’m going to share one here but before I do I want to ask that you please don’t judge me I just tried to write an essay and I’m not great or anything I’m much better at talking like I’m doing right now but anyway here it is:
Q: Why are you interested in disability advocacy? What are 1-2 issues that are important to you and why?
Too often disabled voices go unheard. We are discussed but we aren’t part of the conversation. I have always believed that direct action is the fastest way to instigate change. Our voice is marginalized, and using our voice will make it stronger.
As we tell our stories in our own voices, we create our own representation. We’re represented as living a life not worth living, wirh meager intellectual abilities, unfeeling and incapable of love; as purposeless mistakes. This distorted simplification is very unfair to say the least. To avoid it, we must take back the way we are represented. We are our own best advocates.
In 2017, I created the What’s The Matter With Me? podcast to share my experience as a 39 years old husband and father of two, small business owner with multiple sclerosis (MS). I recorded 33 episodes in Season 1, and I’m currently 9 episodes into season 2. I went online to find podcasts about MS from the patient perspective, and they were few and far between. In response, I started What’s The Matter With Me? to tell my story, so that a story like mine would be told. As I’ve produced the episodes, more and more people with disabilities have reach out to me saying how much it has meant to them. I have created a kind of feedback loop: I support others and in turn they support me. I am in greater touch with my disabled community, especially younger people dealing with disability earlier in life when expectations for robust health can be higher. We need to raise our voices in order to be heard.
KFJC Impact
Even though I resigned from my weekly radio program I am still active at kfjc,. Lst weekend I took my family to a fundraiser event at streetlight records here in San Jose and it was good to see people. And then a couple of days ago I went to the weekly meeting where I reviewed some music and recorded some scripts for production spots that we will make for the fundraiser which is coming up in October.just silly stuff asking for money but I’d like to be part of the community at kfjc which is a bunch of burnout to like music just like I do.
One of the listeners from my radio show has since joined the station. she has some disability and says that I inspired her to join. One day she called during my show and told me that she knew someone else who worked at the station and she listened to my show and she heard from her friend that I was disabled. I encouraged her to join the station because it was rewarding and it was something that a disabled person could definitely do and it was a great group, a great and supportive community So I’m very glad that she joined Kfjc and it was great to see her at the meeting.
that’s another episode in the books thank you for listening.
Welcome to the Whats The Matter With Me? Podcast Season 2, Episode 10: Monterey
My name is John, I’m 39 years old, husband and father of two, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster, and I have multiple sclerosis so I made this podcast to share what I’m going through.
Whats The Matter With Me? is an MS podcast and it’s also about other things. I’m not a medical professional and you should not take this for medical advice. If you need medical advice, ask your healthcare provider.
Japanese proverb tattoos, swimming while disabled. Posted it on reddit and some folks reminded me how scary swimming can be.
Watering the garden
I watered more this summer, a couple times a week. I haven’t been falling which is good. Because the last time I fell I fell through the fence and it looked kind of rickety for a time. It’s fixed now.
Peter Brotzmann, the Machine Gun
I interviewed Peter Brotzmann on kfjc. He is a wild free jazz saxophone player who is famous for his rough sounds. He recorded seminal free jazz album Machine Gun. I got him to admit that he plays sweet and tender now that he is older. And talk about butoh
No more radio gig for a while
Resigned from questionable Traditions. It was a weekly program on KFJC where I played music from around the world, and questioned it’s validity or value, or something like that. I must admit to feeling some purposeless. However …
I have a purpose, and it is
Selling hot sauce. I’m starting to write regular emails, reach out to customers and grow my business. I did a hot sauce tasting at a local grocery store where they sell my sauce. It was great to get out there, press the flesh and push the product again, like I did at the Fancy Food Show last season in episode 30. it is exciting but also scary.
I tell myself I know what I’m doing, that I have worked at e-commerce companies before. I’m just generally copying what these bigger companies did and applying it in my little business. I try to get out there and to talk with customers, find new ways to sell products every day. I can do it!
Monterey
We went to Monterey on vacation. It was frustrating because I felt very limited by disability.
Aquarium
We went to the aquarium which is very beautiful and wondrous. I have a lot of childhood memories there, but in the here and now it was hard to move around in the dark with the jellyfish and crowded area very difficult to walk. I hope my kids had a good time, I did not. It wasn’t something I could just go and do — it was very challenging to navigate the experience, the crowds, and my disability at the same time.
Cram it in
When I used to go on vacation I would try and cram everything into my itinerary. Now I need a nap. I need to eat food regularly. I can only travel so far.
On the cliff
I love to see things and experience new things, like anyone. It was frustrating for me to be stuck up on the cliff looking down at my childre playing on the beach and not be able to join them because I couldn’t traverse the rocky staircase. It upset me.
Bathroom death scene
The bathroom where I was staying was big and beautiful, open with a jacuzzi and all covered in stone and it seemed like a total death trap every time I wanted to shower or brush my teeth.
I have such a hard time on vacation because I can’t do what I used to. I need to figure out a new way.
Trigeminal Neuralgia
I’ve been going through lots of trigeminal neuralgia. I’m switching from one medication to another. It has benefits, like feeling more awake and present, but the changes in medication exacerbate my symptoms. More about TN in S2, E6: Awaker.
Thanks for listening
Check out the Whats The Matter With Me? podcast page on Facebook, please review it and like it — help me get the word out. You can email me using the contact page.
Welcome to the Whats The Matter With Me? Podcast Season 2, Episode 6: Awaker
My name is John, I’m 39 years old, husband and father of two, small business owner, radio DJ, podcaster and I have multiple sclerosis (MS), so I made this podcast to share what I’m going through
The Whats The Matter With Me? Podcast is an MS podcast and it’s also about other things. I’m not a medical professional and you should not take this for medical advice. If you need medical advice, ask your healthcare provider.
Find us on Facebook and for goodness sake please rate us. Download the Whats The Matter With Me? Podcast from Apple podcasts and Whatsthematterwithme.org
Shoutouts to my Mom
Mom listened to the podcast, and she told me, “I listened to your pod.” Isn’t it funny how parents do that? They get creative with the lingo. She used to say, Intendo instead of Nintendo, and nowadays she does the same thing with text messages. She calls them tweets. “Tweet me,” shje’ll say. Or, “I tweeted you. Didn’t you get my tweet?” Shoutouts to Mom, love you Mom. Email me using the contact form on the site, and I’ll shout you out.
Recap
Writhing In Pain, Crunked Up or Crunked Out?, Coaches jackets, living in a hair gel air bubble, making music with my old compadre, accessible instruments, its good to be alive. It’s all in the last episode, check it out.
Drool
“AAA!!” John John shouted as I bent over to brush his teeth, pointing frantically. I tried to look where he was pointing, but he moved whenever I turned my head to look. “Papa, you’re drooling,” he said, and laughed. I looked in the mirror, he was right, I had drool on my chin. The way things have been going, it was the least of my problems, but its a phobia I have — to become a vegetable. It’s just fear — my drooling scared John John when I was brushing his teeth, it is what it is. If I can keep my mouth shut and stay focused, I’ll be all right.
Through the fence
My most major fall since the last episode occurred in the backyard while I was gardening. First off, I am unhurt. I fell through the fence when I was trimming the garrya elliptica wavyleaf silktassel bushes. Completely through the fence, I ended up in my neighbor Tim’s yard. The garrya bushes are low-growing and dense, and they were covering my feet. I reached out a hand to steady myself on the fence, it moved and I fell right through it. Nami helped me put it back together. The posts are cracked and rotting, it seems like the next strong wind will bring it down, but then in the morning it’s still standing.
Video
I shot a video for Hoppin Hot Sauce wearing my new coaches jacket that I got screen printed in Oakland. It felt great and I think it might have looked great, fingers crossed. I read the following script:
My name is John Hoppin and I created Hoppin Hot Sauce from chiles, Meyer lemon, garlic and spices.. I’ve worked in food all my life. I put hot sauce on everything, grilled cheese, lunch leftovers. It gives it a certain Tang that I prefer.
I have multiple sclerosis and it makes it difficult to work in the kitchen environment. I didn’t let it stop me from cooking.
I made Hoppin Hot Sauce to share the taste of my table with yours. It’s all natural with no preservatives, and all good stuff inside. For people who want their food to taste the best, nothing beats Hoppin Hot Sauce.
It made me feel powerful to write and deliver those lines. I hope it will turn out, I’ll share it with you when I get it out of editing.
Less sedation
I’m on less sedation and it’s feeling pretty good to be more alert. Maybe ‘alert’ is a stretch. I’m afraid of more pain, that the pain will wake up and rear its ugly head. For the time being, I am relatively awaker.
Live in the present
Live in the present moment.. I had this more-or-less standard revelation listening to music on the way to the farmer’s market. There were a lot of wonderful fruits and vegetables that deserved my attention, and there will be more next week. If I stay focused on the present, not stuck in the past, or woulda-coulda, I think it will help me be happy.
We may request cookies to be set on your device. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website.
Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.
Essential Website Cookies
These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features.
Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refuseing them will have impact how our site functions. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. But this will always prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site.
We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. You are free to opt out any time or opt in for other cookies to get a better experience. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain.
We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. You can check these in your browser security settings.
Google Analytics Cookies
These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience.
If you do not want that we track your visist to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:
Other external services
We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.
2018
2018
2018